on monday, i was still happily thinking where to go with baby for supper on that night after work, then such a thing happen. at around 5 plus. i was damn hungry, thinking if i should get some bites to fill my stomach first. till 6 plus, then i bth, go out get some food and drinks to fill first as i scare i might not be able to tahan all the way till night time. when i happily gotten my food back, then my phone rings, and i heard that baby was involved in a road accident. I swear that my mind went blank at that particular moment, i thought that he is sleeping soundly at home. i called up my boss and off i went. cabbed over to NUH and waited at the hospital for hours. damn the people there. totally don't let us go in. Heard that he got a fracture, i thought the accident wasn't a severe one. till the doctor came and ask the mum to sign the operation form. waited for hours and baby was still not send to the operating theater. call the doctor in-charge and finally she let one person to go in. I went in to take a look at baby. fuck, all over his body was blood. he grab hold of my hand telling me how much hurt he is in. it just pain me so much to see him lying there yet i can't do anything to ease his pain. i was utterly engraved with hurt deep down my heart. I kept telling myself i can't cry, because it will make everyone more upset. Finally he went in to the operation room at about 12 plus and came out at 6 plus.. the whole operation took about 6 hrs. he's then being send to the ward and i went to accompany him. the first thing he ask me is "will i don't want him" damn, it hurts me so deeply when he ask me this, I know he is inferior in a way and was afraid that i will leave him. hais, and then he followed by saying lucky i was not with him that day and that makes me ultra guilty. If i were to go with him in the noon time, perhaps such a thing might not happen. he will be a good boy sleeping soundly at home. i super hate myself. why i don't want go with him. how much hurt i'm bearing to see him lying there yet i can't even help him to share a single pain of his. everytime when i hear what the doctor say, it shattered my heart to pieces. the doctor told us that it was a real bad accident and all over his body was injuries. hais, if only i could share away some pain of his, but i can't.. perhaps if i were with him on that day, he wouldn't be so badly wounded. hais. but all this things cannot changed. hais, how i wish all this are just a nightmare, perhaps i would feel much better. I know and understand how he feel, I felt so guilty that i can't stay by his side 24/7. I need to study and work. hais.. im sorry my dearest.. i will always try my best to go down if i can. i hope you will be a strong boy.. remember that i might not be physically with you but my heart stay with you all the time. love you always..